"If I Were to Choose"
"Isn't he beautiful?" The baby had just fallen asleep, and I gently lay him in his crib.
Craig beamed. "He sure is." Then he added, "It's amazing how much I care for him."
I turned the baby monitor on, and quietly shut the door behind us. Then, I headed toward the kitchen to start dinner. Craig followed me, and quickly found a beer in the fridge.
Ryan ran in then, sweaty and breathless from playing with his friends. Craig reminded him to put the bicycle in the garage and wash up for dinner.
"Yup," he continued, taking a long swallow of beer. "I mean, I thought I cared for Ryan, you know? And I do. But, it's nothing like what I feel for my own kid."
I winced, hurt at his bluntness. How could he say those words to me? After all, they were both my children.
Yet, Craig saw a need to further clarify his feelings.
"Let me put it this way," he added, as he put down his beer, "If I were to choose who'd live and who'd die..."he smiled, pausing until I looked him in the eye,"...well, there'd be no doubt who'd get the bullet."
The End
In her book, Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out: On Relationship and Recovery, Patricia Evans explores the mental anguish caused by unrelieved verbal aggression. Although physical abuse draws attention to itself in unequivocal ways, its spoken counterpart can be quite subtle, says Evans, an author and researcher who reports talking with more than 30,000 victims of verbal abuse. Victims may find it difficult to describe, or even recognize, when it occurs, according to Evans. A particular pattern of verbal assaults may have taken years to evolve, condemning both victim and perpetrator to endless repetitions of the same abuse.
Indeed, as is true of batterers, the verbal abusers' goal -- albeit conscious or not -- is to exert exclusive control over the victim, Evans says. When thwarted, verbal abusers may repeatedly remind victims of their shortcomings, make uncalled-for pronouncements as to what they are (or are not) achieving in life, then act out with angry blow-ups or punish with stony silences.
It's not surprising, then, that victims of verbal abuse often end up depressed, or even questioning their sanity, says Evans, who adds that the literature points to a high correlation between verbal abuse and feelings of powerlessness and depression. Over time, the unremitting assault on individuals' autonomy and sense of identity can erode their confidence and self-esteem.
When dealing with a verbal abuser, victims may be reminded over and over again that what they believe to be true is not correct. Attempts to explain that the attacks hurt or to counter insults are often met with those time-worn disclaimers, the ones every good verbal manipulator has to excess in his or her ready arsenal: "You're over-reacting." "You're too sensitive." "Can't you just take a joke?" When victims are forced to dismiss their own reality at every turn, reality itself can become warped, Evans says.
TYPES OF VERBAL ABUSE
- Withholding (refusing to talk to or acknowledge the victim)
- Countering (always telling the victim that he or she is wrong)
- Discounting (not taking into account the victim's perceptions)
- Verbal abuse disguised as a joke
- Blocking and diverting (thwarting the victim's attempts at communication)
- Accusing and blaming
- Judging and criticizing
- Trivializing (telling the victim his or her concerns are inconsequential)
- Undermining (eroding the victim's confidence)
- Threatening (implying physical harm through a fit of rage or though an unspoken threat, like punching the wall)
- Name calling
- Forgetting (regularly "forgetting" appointments, agreements, or incidents)
- Ordering and demanding
- Denial (denying all abusive behavior)
Abusive anger (frightening the victim with repeated angry outbursts)
GETTING HELP
If you think you may be a victim of verbal abuse, the most important thing you can do for yourself is get some support and help. Verbal abusers are often charming and gregarious in social situations, so it may be hard for friends and family to see and understand what you're going through. Lynn Cohen, MA, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Vacaville, California, says verbal abuse victims are often isolated and confused, and may think that they are the problem rather than the abuser.
"In therapy, we would usually start with building self-esteem in the client, so they could ensure that the verbal abuse didn't continue in the relationship, or that the victim didn't continue in the relationship," Cohen says.
One of the largest hurdles verbal abuse victims need to surmount, Evans says, is to stop blaming themselves. "It often takes time for the partners of verbal abusers to realize that the abuser is the one with the problem," she writes in her latest book on the issue. "Most women who are verbally abused spend time focused inward, soul-searching, taking inventory, trying to identify their 'sins,' trying to find out what they did wrong."
DEFENDING YOURSELF THROUGH LANGUAGE JUDO
Not surprisingly, many of the survivors portrayed in Evans book opt to end their abusive relationships. Those victims and their partners who decide to battle the demons together must work with their partners to change the abusive behavior.
For people who are serious about ridding their lives once and for all of verbally abusive relationships, linguist Suzette Haden Elgin, Ph.D., has written a concise, easy to follow book: You Can't Say That To Me: Stopping the Pain of Verbal Abuse -- an 8-Step Program that describes how to overturn even the most entrenched patterns of abuse, whether these same have evolved in family, work, or social settings.
"If you are a verbal victim, you need to set aside the idea that you are weak," writes Elgin. "It takes a great deal of strength to endure life in an environment of verbal violence. It takes courage to get up every day and face your tormentor(s) again. ... That's not weakness -- but it is a great waste of your strength."
Elgin suggests how to identify signs of verbal abuse, strategies for defending yourself against it, and, finally, various tactics for putting an end to it. Among other things, she says that the majority of verbal abusers aren't sadistic, and thus don't derive pleasure in inflicting pain. Her theory is that many are simply emotional "klutzes" who need education, or people who simply don't know how to get the emotional attention they so desperately crave.
Among other things, Elgin suggests going into "Computer Mode" when faced with a verbal attack -- that is, keeping very neutral and controlled, "the safest stance you can have." She suggests answering someone who yells "Why can't I ever FIND anything around here! Do you hide things to annoy me, or WHAT?" with a calm, neutral statement such as "It's very annoying not to be able to find things." Your goal, she says, "is to respond to the attacker in a way that doesn't set you up, reward the attacker, sacrifice your dignity, or cause a loss of face on either side. Eventually the attacker will run out of steam, making a mental note that you're no fun as a victim and shouldn't be chosen for that role in the future."
Therapists are not in full agreement on how easily abusers can be rehabilitated. Patricia Evans agrees that such abusers often aren't aware of how damaging their behavior is. Nevertheless, she says, abusers usually feel better after a verbal assault, while the victims invariably feel worse.
Most therapists agree, however, that abuse is a learned behavior. Marriage and family therapist Lynn Cohen points out that most verbal abusers have cripplingly low self-esteem. They were probably verbally abused themselves, most likely as children. "They don't think much of themselves, or they wouldn't be doing it," she says.
WHY YOU SHOULDN'T PUT UP WITH IT
Regardless of why verbal abusers do what they do, victims must recognize the toll that the abuse takes on their mental and physical health. Women, in particular, face societal pressure to keep up the facade of the "happy home," or to avoid confronting a boss, coworker or friend who verbally abuses them.
But verbal abuse is literally dangerous to our health, as Elgin points out in her book. A "toxic verbal environment," she writes, is dangerous in the same way that contaminated food or polluted water is dangerous. Not only does verbal abuse lead to depression, it's poisonous for everyone in the vicinity. Many people, she adds, associate verbal self-defense with "a collection of killer smart cracks plus language strategies for wiping the floor with your opponent. That's not an accurate image, and you don't have to go that route. Use [gentle] verbal self-defense instead."
-- Paige Bierma is an award-winning healthhh, medical, and youth affairs journalist in San Francisco. Her Vibe magazine expose on wilderness therapy camps won the top Investigative Reporters and Editors' award for outstanding magazine reporting.
FURTHER RESOURCES:
Patricia Evans' homepage defines the different kinds of verbal abuse, includes several bulletin boards, and lists resources for helping victims.
e-mail: EICI@verbalabuse.com
National Domestic Violence Hotline
For support or information on emotional and physical domestic abuse, call 800/799-SAFE, or visit their Web site at http://www.ndvh.org. You may also write the group by email at: ndvh@ndvh.org
The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence also provides resources and support for victims of physical, sexual, and psychological abuse. Reach the coalition through the hotline: 800/799-7233; or at the group's Web site: http://www.ncadv.org You can also write them at:
P.O. Box 18749
Denver, CO 80218
(Updated in 2000 to include Verbal Abuse in the Workplace)
Sticks, Stones and Broken Careers:
Verbal Abuse in the Workplace
by Cathy Hartt, RN, CNM, MS Editor, VHPublishing's woman2woman
He leaned back comfortably in his swivel chair behind the elegant desk, placed both hands behind his head in a attitude of pure superiority and said condescendingly (while rolling his eyes and shaking his head), "No one really reads your newsletters. Mostly, I find them in the trash around here." You are stunned, confused and hurt. All your life you have been complimented on your writing abilities and you know lots of folks who love your newsletters. In fact, you feel this is something you enjoy and do well. Why would a supervisor not see the gift you are giving to his organization with your talents?
The reason is simple, once you come to recognize verbal abuse. There are a couple of excellent books written on the verbal abuse that frequently occurs in couple relationships by an author named Patricia Evans, which I refer you to for a more in-depth look at the cycle of verbal abuse. For the purposes of this article, I will focus on verbal abuse that occurs in the workplace.
To make a long story short, verbal abuse occurs because the abuser is in a reality where he feels he must overpower his victim to feel good about himself. Often he was abused as a child. Or perhaps both victim and victimizer are influenced by cultural beliefs which support the man dominating and controlling the woman. Often the victim is confused, as in the scenario above, because she wants an equal relationship with the male. She wants to feel empathy, respect, compassion and acceptance from him. She may believe she can elicit this behavior from him by modeling it - by treating him as she wants him to treat her. Unfortunately, from his reality, he sees this as a weakness on her part and will, most often, only escalate his abuse because scoring a "win" makes him feel good about himself. He suffers low self esteem and the abusive behaviors help him cover up the part of himself he doesn't like. He blames his faults on the victim, thereby feeling the abuse is justified.
So what happens when this dynamic occurs in the work setting in a supervisor/employee relationship? Several things might happen. The abuse might be very subtle, such as the example in the first paragraph. Just enough to make her doubt herself and wonder if her talents are really something shameful. Or, perhaps it is more overt abuse, such as name calling, belittling jokes, or yelling. Over time, the female employee may begin to believe the abuser's perceptions, like a kind of brainwashing has occurred. She may even lose interest in the things she is most passionate about related to her work. The key question is: Does my employer applaud the talents I bring to the organization or does he belittle me when I am successful and believe I am using my talents to "manipulate" him? If he is not applauding you, chances are good that this may be abuse.
Because most abusers are in a position of being highly trusted and usually appear to be the "good guy" to bystanders, often the woman's coworkers will blame the victim for the abuse. They may try to get her to believe she is emotionally less healthy than they are, because this "nice" supervisor is not abusing them. On top of this, most verbal abuse occurs in one-on-one meetings where there is no witness to help validate the woman's experience of what her boss has just done to wound her. Perhaps slowly she begins to wonder if everyone is right - if she is doing something to deserve the abuse. She begins to doubt her perceptions because everyone else does. If she believes the abuse is her fault, she will often try harder and harder to please the boss (or to "fix" herself), only to find out that the blaming and put-downs have nothing to do with her. They are about his need for control over her.
What should a woman do if she believes she is being verbally abused in the workplace? I think there are several answers, depending on the individual and the situation. First, remember the abuser is not going to understand that he is abusive if she tries to explain this to him. This is not his reality - he will see any explanations as her weakness. The best thing is just to tell him to "stop", that his behavior is abusive and will not be tolerated. In the best scenario, this will bring him to a realization that he is abusive and he will be open to trying to change his behavior. All too frequently, however, this confrontation about the abuse may actually make the behavior escalate as he struggles for control. He may accuse her of attacking him! He is often in a position to end her employment or make her even more miserable, and she may be forced to find another job.
Fortunately, there are some avenues a woman can pursue if she can substantiate that she is in a hostile or abusive work environment. These could include the institution's human resources or affirmative action offices, a professional mediator or attorney, or the EEOC. The most important thing for the woman to keep in mind is to trust her perceptions and to stand up for her right to be treated with respect in the workplace. This can be tough, as the all too frequent response from her coworkers is to blame the victim and support the perpetrator. For these reasons, it is imperative that she find supportive friends, a support group or a qualified counselor as she works to resolve this painful situation. Above all, she must believe that the abuse is not her fault! The abusive supervisor is accountable.
Cathy Hartt, RN, CNM, MS, Editor Empower! - women empowering women quarterly, women's health and abuse prevention newsletter (www.HarttWeb.com/empower).
Editor's note: Cathy Hartt, RN, CNM, MS, is currently a nurse consultant and faculty for the University of Colorado Health Sciences Center in Denver. In this role, she is coordinating quality improvement efforts for the National Center for Children, Families and Communities - a program aimed at maternal/child abuse prevention. She also serves as secretary of CNMs Service Director's Network. Prior to this, Cathy pioneered the first effective system for low-income women's obstetric care in Montrose, Colorado, where she practiced from 1991-1998.
The important thing to know is that since verbal abuse defines you, it is not okay. You are a self-defining human being.
With the exception of name-calling many people don't recognize verbal abuse-especially when it comes from a person whom they believe loves them or from a person they perceive as an authority figure; or when it comes from a person who is in a position of power, for example, one's boss, family provider, parent, or even older sibling-someone the victim learned to look up to in childhood.
A person doesn't call their child names, rage and yell at them if they see their child as a separate person. The same is true for a spouse who tells his partner, what she is, "You're too sensitive;" her motives, "You're trying to start a fight;" her thoughts; "You think you know it all." He doesn't know what she is or thinks, or knows.
I am constantly amazed at how many people pretend to be their partners, to know what they are, think, feel, etc. and who don't even realize that by doing so, they are behaving irrationally.
Understanding why she is abused while her spouse's friends are treated with respect is all- important to the verbally abused person. This is explained in depth in the book "Controlling People." To summarize: She is abused because her mate is connected to her in a backwards way. He relates to her as if she were truly the rest of him. Because of this, he really can't accept her separateness.
Verbal abuse shows up most commonly in family relationships, but your boss, co-worker or employee could be verbally abusive. Since most verbal abuse is not name-calling, but is a kind of brain washing, it can be very hard to recognize. Verbal abuse is an insidious, endemic problem that impacts millions of people, shaping their lives and impairing the realization of their potentials.
If you think you are hearing verbal abuse, know that it usually occurs in secret. Possibly no one hears it or even imagines that it is going on. Since, in the majority of cases, verbal abusers are selective about whom they abuse, many people are surprised to hear that someone is experiencing on-going and periodic abuse from someone they know and have always seen as nice and friendly. "Nice and Friendly" is the persona of many an abuser.
You can't tell by looking at someone or even being around him or her if they are, or are not, verbally abusive to their partner. Although many folks are as nice and friendly as they seem, some are not. Since verbal abuse usually happens behind closed doors, a woman in a relationship with a person who indulges in verbal abuse may have heard that she is lucky to have such a great spouse. This kind of comment furthers her self-doubt. "Maybe I'm lucky." "Maybe I shouldn't feel this bad." "Maybe there is something wrong with me, after all, everyone else gets along with him." And, since verbal abuse carries a quality of blame in it, she may believe that she has some unconscious flaw and is wrong, stupid, too sensitive, or whatever she is told.
Know that verbal abuse can be very subtle, covert and, therefore, mind controlling. There are more than 400 examples in my book, "The Verbally Abusive Man-Can He Change?" Readers sometimes wonder why I don't say "Verbally Abusive People Can they Change" instead of "Man," but I have never seen a woman who seriously verbally abuses her spouse, change. I have seen men work very hard at changing, and have seen some change.
One of the strangest things about a verbally abusive relationship is that most of the time the person indulging in verbal abuse does not see himself or herself as irrational or abusive. The verbal abuser may tell you what you are, what you think, what you feel, what you should do, what you are trying to do and so forth as if he were you.
Unfortunately, when people don't recognize verbal abuse for what it is, they may try to get the person who is putting them down, giving them orders, criticizing, them, blaming them, yelling at them or ignoring them, to understand them. They may think they can make it stop by telling the abuser how they feel. Or, they may think that they can explain why they thought, said, did something and their spouse will apologize for unjustly accusing, blaming or just plain yelling at them. Or they may try to stop the abuser by apologizing when they've done nothing. Or, they may try to stop the abuser by giving it back in kind, that is, yelling at him and calling him names. These methods don't work with real abusers. On the other hand, you don't have to carry around in your mind a list of unacceptable, i.e., verbally abusive comments In order to respond to verbal abuse. Instead, notice if you are being defined. Verbal abuse defines you.
An excellent and universal way to respond to verbal abuse directed at you is to simply say, in a calm and nonchalant way, "Ahhh, what did you say? (as if you were thinking of something else and hardly heard the abusive comment.) If he repeats it or says something similar, simply say, "Ah Ha! That's what I thought you said!" with an air of great satisfaction. Saying this with great relish, as if you had caught him in a lie, can stop many abusers in their tracks. After all, all verbal abuse is a lie told to you.
If the abuser accelerates his abuse, saying something like, "You're just trying to start a fight," or "You're trying to get the last word," Simply say, "Hey, you don't know my motives, you're not me, you are not a woman or "Please stop pretending to be me, a woman. I like you a lot better when you can be a real man and stay in your own space, not be over here within me, telling me what I'm trying to do." If the abuser is a woman, then say the opposite, "You are not me. You are not a man, etc.
When the abuser is also physically violent, he is at the extreme. When threatened, calling 911 is often the best action to take. For additional help call a local domestic violence hot line. Tell everyone what is happening to you. It is his shame, not yours.
The circumstances under which verbal abuse takes place make a real difference in how to respond to it. In the workplace, for instance, an appropriate response to a very abusive boss might be to prepare a resume or to read the want ads. On the other hand, a child can't very well escape from an abusive parent and so we, the observers and relatives of the child must be alert and ready to speak up for him or her. Keeping a record and letting others know what is going on are often good first steps.
When women attempt to leave an abusive relationship, they often face threats such as, "If you leave, I'll take the kids," or "If you leave, I'll make sure you have nothing." Telling everyone close to you what is happening to you and documenting the abuse is important. Try presenting the agreement as described in "The Verbally Abusive Man-Can He Change?" to your mate in the presence of a counselor. This may wake the abuser up to what he is doing at least enough to not want to pretend to be a woman.
For more information and resources, go to www.verbalabuse.com For information on private phone consultations, please call 925 934 5972.
